To Push or To Pull?

Story time, and if you want a TLDR: last night was hard, but i’m “fine” though not okay.

I always worry writing about this because it isn’t a consistent experience for me or anyone experiencing depression, but last night was one of the more difficult nights I’ve had, and I’m including the ‘before anti-depressants’ times.

Never have I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts — there was seemingly no escape, no waiting out the storm, just me caught under the riptide of my own mind. The minutes that weren’t spent crying were spent quieting down my own thoughts and trying to distract my waking mind.

But by far the hardest decision of the night was choosing to reach out to somebody. Making it even more difficult, is that my mind was telling me that I was better off pushing them away. That I was burdensome. And for a while I believed that. Still, I pushed and talked to people who listened and understood and cared about me, even when my own mind told me otherwise. And while I didn’t believe the words at the time, they were still valid. They still held weight. To keep with the metaphor, they buoyed me and helped me get above water.

Depression isn’t a straight line and you can’t rely on past experiences to dictate the future, because circumstances change. Medication helps, but the trial and error of it all is challenging and daunting. Even now, after almost two years, I’m trying to find that right mix of what works, but to do so I have to discover what doesn’t, but in the end, I know that this is the path I should take to feeling more like myself and not what the voices in my head tell me I am.

What’s truly important is that you trust deep down that there are people who care for you and are there for you even when you don’t believe it.

(If you are in need of support, please text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling)